the dungeon has...
Once upon a time there was a girl called Johanna. She lived in a great old slice of mango chutney at the end of a lake, called Sven Svensborg. Her duties were to eat cheese, smile at tourists, and dance the tango at half-speed. Johanna had a friend called Nicola, who had red hair, and a serious attitude problem. The two would sit and drink tea and discuss things like mountaineering, and seal acquisition.
One day, Nicola presented Johanna with a dilemma. A young suitor had arrived ‘on the scene’ so to speak, and had caught her perilous attentions. The young lass was at a quandary as to whether or not to follow any kind of flirting with the suitor, even though he was in line to marry the seventh princess of Southdown road, who was a tad silly, but made a great pin cushion. Anyway, Johanna wasn’t too sure as to how to instruct Nicola, as she had a couple of run ins with the young suitor herself, and wasn’t sure if he was a flake or not. The two agreed to call the young man over to the lake for a cup of tea, and an interrogation that would have worried the master torturers from the Spanish Inquisition.
The next day, the young suitor, who was called Abraham Rabinowitz, came to the lake, dressed in all his finery, ‘Next Exclusives Menswear - £49.99’. Nicola took a look and nearly fainted with glee. Johanna told her not to be so silly and helped her up by reviving her with a cup of black tar and a Barry Manilow album. The three made polite conversation, with Nicola all the while giggling out of context, and falling out of her chair. The young man found it all kind of amusing, in the way that he didn’t. He made excuses to make a phone call to the nearest massage parlour.
While he was absent, Nicola said, “Oohhh, isn’t he funny! he hee hee hee hee hee hee!” She rolled her eyes until she fell over again, this time landing on one of Johanna’s prized orangutangs. Johanna just looked to the sky and sighed. “Look”, she said in a convincing tone of voice, “He might seem interesting, but it’s all pretence. He makes up all that intellectual stuff, he got it all from Woody Allen movies! Besides, he’s a crap shag anyway!” But Nicola would not listen. She kept going on and on about his eyes, his hair, his mastery of tennis, and his extensive knowledge about the size of her fingernails, designed by Gessupici, and declined by most major credit card companies. Meanwhile, the young suitor came back from his phone call, feeling as refreshed as ever.
Nicola looked up at him with a smile that could have only come from Lassie, as if to say, “Ug huh, Ug hungh..”. Abraham found this all very funny and he laughed about with Johanna, who by now had taken up post-surrealist architecture and cookery. As to carry on the delightful repartee, Nicola decided that now would be a good time to stick her tongue down the young suitor’s throat.
Recoiling with a mix of sheer horror, and Stevie Wonder, the young suitor exclaimed, “Oh cruel fate! Why doth thou present me with such inadequate fortune? I, in line to wed the princess Lucinda of Southdown road, and yet here is this vision of complete sexual fervour and lust! But yet, how could I capitulate to such a Siren? I, like the fabled sailors or Jason’s voyage, who chanced on the temptresses of such grace and beauty that they too did squander their own commander to unreasoned passion and the extremities of vice? Oh, lordy lordy lordy...” And he went on. For some time.
Meanwhile, Johanna resigned herself to shrugging and singing the song, ‘It’s a funny old world’, joined in the chorus by Lionel Blair and Clodgah Rogers. Nicola had fallen into such a sexual frenzy that she had to be removed off her chair by a team of surgeons from the St. Johns Ambulance service, and she is now in traction. Next year, she hopes to work with children and establish a lasting world peace. God bless.
The young suitor, Abraham Rabinowitz, left the lake with a heavy heart, and a lighter conciensce. He realised that had he capitulated, he would have sooner or later lost the respect and adoration of such a woman who willingly flaunts herself in that manner, and he definitely lost the wedding rights to Lucinda. All, in all, it had been an interesting day.
ANON
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